November 16, 2014

Hot Chocolate?

I wanted to give an update on to why I have been MIA
and not so present on here.
 
My mind has been in some what of a jumble. One cup of Hot Chocolate is all it took for me to take a left and hit a winding road of nothing, but left turns.
 
Those of you know me, may know that my gramps past away in May, May 26th to be exact. That day will FOREVER be etched in my head. It was just like yesterday I got the phone call from my mom to go to the hospital and I knew something was wrong, because I have a hell of a hysterical mother when something is wrong about screams you ear off when she is on the other end of the phone, but May 26th she was calm as the sun rising. It was horrible I knew it. I called my Sissy, I am an only child but my cousin is my sister always will be my sissy my back bone for everything! She knew as well that it was bad calling at 2am in the morning.
When we got to the hospital my gramps was already gone. They take you to that stupid little room in the hospital you know the one you dread. Ya it was bad. T
hat was the day I no longer had my gramps!
 
 I titled this blog post Hot Chocolate because the other day I was making hot chocolate for my kiddo, and a memory popped into my head of my gramps making me hot chocolate and I didn't drink it because it didn't have marshmallows. As I was thinking this I said to my self I should have just drank the damn hot chocolate it was pry the best hot chocolate to man kind. . I didn't tho and it has bothered me since. 
 
Ever since that day just things have been running thru my mind and I haven't been able to focus.
 
You think that someone is going to be there always and they aren't, I grew up with my gramps for 24 years... my birthday is coming up the big 25 and he wont be calling to tell me Happy Birthday like always, NEVER missed a year. I never thought he was the glue to our little crazy family. but in all honesty he was. He held us together like no one every really knew. Now I cant even go to my Grams house without this feeling of Anxiety and tension. All I think about is not seeing him on his last day alive. I should have been there, but I wasn't. It eats at me and eats at me and always will. No matter how many times that someone says" its okay Ash he knew you loved him." I wasn't there on his last day and I should have been.
 
Our family will never be the same. Its broken.
You think that it can go back to what it was when you lose someone, I have heard that time heals all wounds, it dosen't whoever said that hasn't lost a loved one. I know for a fact I, my mom, dad, uncle, especially my Grams will every be the same the way it was!
 
Looking in to the future I know I have to move on and keep going with one foot in front of another. Knowing my Gramps is pry watching down from above. I try my hardest dealing with grief in my own way . Days are harder than others. You just have to put a smile on and know there is another day. I started Morning Books & Coffee around the time of his passing, and I do because it is my passion and knew he would be proud, well prouder than he was already!
 
I have had a few rough days, I haven't been able to concentrate on a book in a week or so. I really needed a breather. Tonight was my first night getting back in the grove and I thank each and everyone of you for being so supportive of Morning Booke & Coffee and patient.
Thanks guy you are all amazing!!

 
Leaving on a High Note One Republic for my Gramps
(My gramps was far from a preacher, but was one hell of a man)